Confessions

Ok, so I have a confession to make. This is how I imagined, once upon a time, how it would be to have children:

That I would go out almost as much as I did before, except this time with children in tow. I would strap one kid to my front, another to by back, perhaps another in a buggy or walking alongside me and off we'd go in search of adventures. They would even come out in the evenings with me and sleep in slings or curled up on chairs whilst I would attend literature festivals, short-story readings and poetry slams.

Now, here's the reality:

Some days, by the time I have got myself and three children dressed and organised, I am so exhausted / overwhelmed / stressed (delete as appropriate) that I lose the will to leave the house altogether. I know I musn't beat myself up about this, and we definitely do still have our adventurous moments, but the simple fact is that things take TIME with small children. Time AND energy and that idealistic picture I'd painted for myself pre-children was fairly laughable. Don't get me wrong, I'd have children all over again even knowing that I was away with the fairies, but what I know now that I didn't know then is that each and every time we all (or even some of us) make it out somewhere, it is an achievement.

I am coming to realise more and more that over the past six years my world has spun neatly on its axis. Let's call it pre (pre-children) and post-Becks. Pre-Becks spent next-to-no time at home. Home was just somewhere to sleep and grab some food. Conversely, post-Becks spends next-to-no time away from home. I have all these ideas and intentions, even just about all of us going to another nearby town to have a change of scenery. But by the time i've changed a nappy...or found a missing glove...or located my wallet...or placated a howling child...or got myself showered....well, by then it's time for my baby's nap and I know he always sleeps longer and better in the cot and I'm just so darned exhausted by then that I hold my hands up and say 'Ok, let's forget about it, another day perhaps'. Sigh.

Having said all this, I feel it's time for a pledge or two. I pledge not to beat myself up about this, this is just LIFE. I pledge to try small steps at a time - no point organising a trip to the other side of London and ending up feeling disappointed when it doesn't happen. There's plenty going on in just my area. And I pledge to give myself a big old pat on the back when things do work out, like yesterday, when I made it all the way to the South Bank centre and back again with two out of three children. Hurrah.

I found my way back home again after I started a family, and now what I want to do - slowly, slowly - is start finding my way back out again to the big, wide, colourful world.